woman on the edge of reality

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc. (more…)

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
   See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
   Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’ t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache .
11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling’Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go’.
14. and finally, Pick Up A Box Of Condoms At The Pharmacy, Go To the Counter And Ask Where The Fitting Room Is.

It’s Called … THERAPY….. Have A Great But MAD Day

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.  However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0′s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.
Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

———————————
And the flip side…

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

———————————————————
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Flatulism 6.2

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

I just had to include this round robin email (mainly because my blog is in danger of becoming serious and I couldn’t bear the thought of that) as it is my favourite from the many I’ve got in the last month or so.

Tips for the ladies in year 2008

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour..

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl knickers and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else’s ex-boyfriend!

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!

• Aspire to inspire before you expire
• ‘Good friends are like stars………You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there’
• ‘Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today’ for how quickly the years pass

This isn’t very PC I know, but ….. it made me smile at the back end of very, very, very long day!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?’
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, ‘Who is our Lord and
Saviour?’
But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
‘Very good,’ and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?’
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that
f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

And ….. for the women amongst us:-

• BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
• A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG… YOU DON’T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
• I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
• COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.  SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
• I’M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
• WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
• OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY… I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
• DO NOT START WITH ME.  YOU WILL NOT WIN!
• ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

And last but not least:

• IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

Then:-

‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So – if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.’